That Guy's Life... What is the Meaning?

yes, indeed i am back, now that i have got my password back, more to come later.

have not posted in forever, but this i had to post...

You are

yeah i have not been updating my lj causei ahve been too busy and i ahev facebook!
bye now

so yeah i love bowling, have a lot of fun, still am frustrated about the whole sky thing, the whole not knowing and such, but yeahi am trying to keep myself distracted, seems to be workign ok, not great but whatever. ah well more later when there is something there

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Staind - Outside

well i have finally lost my ability to pretend i don't miss jack. damn world. the uncertity of things does not help much. and lack of ability to communicate is awful. and a psycho person too. dammit, sometimes i feel like being paranoid just soi can say the world is against me. fuckit, the world IS against me.

soemtimes, i feel the fear of uncertainty spinning clear,
and if i can't ask my self how much i let the fear take the wheel and stear,

form a song
too lazy to olook it up

Current Mood: sad

omg...so...yeah...
short story version...
i have a boyfriend...

longer story version...
after three weeks of not seeing sky, i saw him, and he came and stayed th night,a nd i was not wrong about how i thought he felt and , point of the story, we are now together for ow...
YAY!!
FUCK YEAH I REALLY LIKE HIM
and apparently i am really good a sexual stuff,
and if you didn't want to hear that, you probably should not have been reading this lol
woot!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: in love

so i am trying to give sky some space becaue i am pretsure he is still all blah over the last guy who lied to him and such, but i do like him and want to have something, buit i am not ready to push him to it. until then still looking. i am neutral right now, but i hvae realized i have gotten more confident and such, oh and i got a new writst band, watch and wallet, plus bands, and i need a man purse, or man bag, whichever. now i am off to chase wild geese!

Current Mood: complacent

so way back when i first started going to outright, i saw this guy there named sky, jack was his real name, but taht didn't matter. at the time i was like, wow he is cute. but being the internal pessemist i am i was like damn that'll never happen. the other night, friday precisely, i saw him and he asked if i wanted to hang out and i was like sure. again being pessemistic even though thre were signs that there was mopre to this, i was like whatver. then i met up with hima nd such and planned for him to come over sunday, hence today. se he did and let me tell you i like him more and more. adn he is probabkly coming over next weekend to hang the whole weekend. oh yes and one more thing, not ath we are talking about anything in particular, but it always tickles me to hear that i am very good at something. *grin*

Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: godsmack - voodoo

"i'm gunning down romance,
it never did a thing for me,
but heartache and misery,
ain't nothin' but a tragedy"

why do we fall... so we can learn to pick ourselves back up... i'm sick of falling...

"Love come quickly
Because I feel my self-esteem is caving in
It's on the brink
Love come quickly
Because I don't think I can keep this monster in
It's in my skin

Love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphine
They're morphine
Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen
Rarely seen
Love I beg you
Lift me up into that privileged point of view
The world of two
Love don't leave me
Because I console myself that HallmarkT cards are true
I really do"

last but not least, how can u give someone head and the next day they don't remmeber it and won't beleive you!!!!!????

Current Mood: pissed / frustrated / drained

so i wondered one day if my lj should maybe be mroe upbeat sometimes, but then i realized the reason it is almost always sad or whatnot is i only feel the ned to write in it wheni am sad or whatever
thus i am very lonely right now. not desperately so, but yeah. sad for a reasona nd for no reason. sick of "doing allt he work" wehn it comes to trying to help benny, thus i am going to stop trying and jsut eb his friend and attempt, again, to move on. of course this is difficult when there is nothing to allow you to move on, as there is not here, and thus i am left in a state of confusion. and am in a stand still. damn all will soon be well. how i am not sure btui whatevefr

Current Mood: melancholy

Robie Williams - Feel
Come and hold my hand
I wanna contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I've been given

I sit and talk to God
And he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don't understand

I just want to feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
'Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste

I don't want to die
But I ain't keen on living either
Before I fall in love
I'm preparing to leave her
I scare myself to death
That's why I keep on running
Before I've arrived
I can see myself coming

I just want to feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
'Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
And I need to feel real love
And a life ever after
I cannot give it up

I just want to feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
I got too much love
Running through my veins
To go to waste

I just wanna feel real love
In a life ever after
There's a hole in my soul
You can see it in my face
It's a real big place

Come and hold my hand
I want to contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I've been given
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: when 'm gone

omfg! so, i went to brattleboro this weekend, when i was walking down the street of the parade and stuff i ran into who i thought was stephanie. but she was walking witht his ute guy, then i turned to my right and saw her girlfriend and was lik oh it is you guys. then i got to talking iwth ehr friend corey. wihin moments we decided to do soemthing to the effect of dating/boyfriends/geting to knwo eachother. the surprising thing to me was he was the one with the atraction and admitted crush on ME! this astounded me. someone who i thought was cute and seemed liek a nice guy was , in his words, attracted to me! wtf! so we hug tout until he hd to ba back at his place and that was like from late morning to nearly 10pm. it did not take us long to becoem closer, and not long for, well you know. though we had no where to go all the way, we managed to do things, a few times actually. and he likes me and is atracted to me. and the feeling is mutual. this is the abridged version as i cannot haev the energy right now to type the long story, btu the end is that we decided that for now to basically be friends with benefits to make things easier on the long distance thing btu when things change they will change, maybe the fall. but the point being is i have new hope for gaydom. btu as i am exhausted i will finish chatting witht e many and then retire to bed or something
godnight!

Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: celine dion - the power of love

so i spent the night at john's last night. thought it was merely going to be cuddly, turned out it was a little more. mainly some fooling around, nothing serious. there were the three things he told this person whom he is pseudo seeing that he would not do with other people right now. kiss, anal sex, and give head. but yeah it was an interesting night. and i didn't push for anything that was not asked for. lol and to make matters more interesting, when i was telling benny, whom i am so madly in love with, that i spent the night and such, he asked if john was my boyfriend in that worried sort of tone. dammit i just want to be with benny rightnow. next weekend i think i may go down. argh, thre are two songs that are quite appropriate right now. the first is "if you're not the one" by daniel bedingfield and the second is ...i forget the ame but wehn it comes to me. so yeah frustration but as a parting thought my horoscope said this today...


Aries
A very exotic, very sensual new friend has just entered your world, and you're loving every minute of your time together. They may end up being more interested in you than a friend really ought to be, however, so if you're not thinking along those same lines, better mention that early on. Otherwise, you could end up having to come up with some explanations -- to yourself in the mirror, that is -- at a later date

Current Mood: contemplative

firstoff i realized i know the guy i have been talking to, and i like him enough when i didn't realize that i want to give him a try, meaning get to know him more.. and second this is or you joy!

My bid for world domination LiveJournal Username Why you did it Your mother never understood youYour homeland was eaten by gerbillsTo meet your father's unreasonable expectationsTo win your loves heartWhy not? Your lair Basic classic castleHidden underground complexUndersea domeDen of inquityMountaintop hideout Your hideous secret weapon Orbital mind control lasersGiant tumble dryerArmy of mind zombiesThe entire Abba collectionKiller robots Your favourite colour Beautiful and exotic but deadly eastern lieutenant br_ady Henchperson who constantly plays with knifes kgb666000 Your perverted scientific genius kgb666000 You cordon bleu chef br_ady Lieutenant with serious moral qualms kendodharma Number of countries subverted 9 This Fun Quiz created by Andrew at BlogQuiz.Net

Capricorn Horoscope at DailyHoroscopes.Biz

omg! so i have been conversing with this guy through email and was thinking it was all colll and stuf and i gave him my nimber to call me and he did. we talked for a bit then i had to go, but last night i gave him a call and we talked for 2.5 hours straight! he is so awesome, and damn why did he move to rutland! but this weekend i am going to go down to brat and maybve stop in there on my way, who knows. but i ave not even seen this guy nor he me and we both really hit it off. YAY and my horiscope today

Aries
You're going to be a very happy camper for the next couple of days, and it all starts now. The full Moon has cast a spell on you -- the kind of spell that will make it impossible to say no to a trip, a class or a new experience of any kind. Anything that appeals to your curiosity or helps you to stretch your mind just a touch will be absolutely irresistible.

hehe!
more as the story develops...

Current Mood: ecstatic to start with

jsut when you think to yourself "i can get over this guy" you fall back into the pit of love. then there are these people who like you adn want to meet you, one 7 hours away, one 6, and one semi close, and you have no idea what to do, little money to do it with, and that guy you are still in love with and are not wanting to mess anything that could happen up but not wanting to wait but knwo that anything worth having is worth waiting for. DAMMIT! things are so hectic, though i cannot complain about the abundance of gayness. gotta sort through this in my head!

Current Mood: confused

so i am home now and i have had my first day of work, realized i work with a pretty good group of people compared to the rest of the AOT. got the insurance straightened out and all is good, though i have not gotten my plates yet. plans to come, things to do, places to go and boyfriends to meet? oh yeah and i found out my mothers boyfriend has known i am gay for a little while and i had no idea. but he has no adverse reaction. yaya! now to work on my older bro who is probably just in denial. that is ok, if he wants someone to cart his ass around then he will be nice...haha!

Current Mood: that is good???!!! WTF
Current Music: total eclipse of the heart - bonnie tyler

basic story:

i meet boy
i like boy
i fall in love with boy
boy loves me too
boy is reected by basically all who know him
i don't reject boy because i love him
even though boy loves me, boy can't get past that the only thing stopping US is that i a not a twink
boy is frstrated with other boys
i hold on loosely
not too tight
but never leting go
staying friends
close cuddly friends
waiting for boy to open his eyes
not banking on it though
i sad
boy sad
damn this world!

i go now
bye

Current Mood: frustrated

one week or less to go. cold go away!
and thre is a definite possibility for a BF, though not sure if i want it. yeah anyway will see how it goes. and there has appeared a mysterious teddy bear outside my dor by an anonymous persohn. WHO DAMMIT!

Current Mood: complacent

so i beleive the last entry was me having taken the first step, well as it turns out he knew i was in love with him since the night i bought him that blue rose...yeah i should have know, and sort of did, but was not willing to admit anything maybe? anyway it is all good and we are just close cuddle friends and nothign more, though i can't say i don't wish we were more, but of course. anyway yeah i am giong now as it is raining out and i feel depressed, not of depression, but depresed in that way...yeah.

Current Mood: wtf kind of icon is that?